Grrrrr ...

I hadn't used my account for awhile and wound up creating a new Google one.  Now, the two get intertwined and I can't keep track of which one I'm using.  I'm sure goo is getting pretty tired of all the password changes and if I don't use the correct account for what I want to do, well, it's a stinking hassle just to get on here to do anything.  Sheesh.  I'd like to keep the one connected to Twitter, but then everything else gets left behind.  Aye yi yi.   

And round and round we go.

The Grey

The Grey is an awesome movie that unfortunately paints wolves as the bad guys.  In real life, nothing could be further from the truth.

Written May 17, 2014

I quit listening when nothing was being said anymore. I quit writing when my heart broke. I quit singing when life no longer made sense. The music in me died,  the life rung out in steps of sorrow and pain. What is left? Not a lot, maybe bullshit jokes and meaningless smiles. Time the great healer? Ha, time buries us all -eventually we all die broken and alone, broken and alone.  No reason to get up-- no reason to (lie down?) go to bed. No reason to eat no reason to wash away doing nothing for none, the sweat is in dreams the toil nightmares. The rest is simple nothingness filling the time we don't have. Where my hated friend did the joy go? Anger, relentless anger stalks the halls of the mind and nothingness is the hated friend of nothing. Let me be, let me sleep, let me sink into the nothingness I know so well.  Let me go, let me go, let me go...

This was not quite a year ago, things have changed somewhat, some better, some worse.  This feeling of hopelessness though has run it's course and I look forward now to working to enjoy life.  Sometimes it takes longer than you want, to get back on the correct pathway, my main goal here was healing, and that has begun.  My spirits are lifted, thank you Lord of my soul, thank you for this day and for taking such good care of family and friends alike.  Thank you.

Well now, have I ever been remiss ...

I have had some startlingly good news and haven't said a word about any of it.  That must change:

1st off I have a new granddaughter.  Born Sept. the 10th of 2013.  She had breathing problems at birth so she spent a small amount of time in the ICU for babies.  She was named Mary Elizabeth, and is such a happy little girl.  The best part of all is she looks like my baby pictures.  I had 3 sons and all three looked so alike at birth.  All 3 look like dad.  I didn't get to play at all.  So now here's my chance!  It's only fair though because I looked like my own grandmother so turn about IS fair play I say.
2nd I moved to my Xanadu home.  I found a country home, a little over a year ago and decided that was where I wanted to spend the rest of my forever.  Due to unforeseen circumstances (the owner screwed me over, BIG time) I lost the house only to have the owner contact me a year later and ask me if me and my husky would like to have the house.  I was happy but very cautious, he dangled the house in front of me once and then snatched it away.  Through a horrid flurry of packing I finally made it to my new 1830's old home last September 3rd.  I felt like when I walked in the door that the house was welcoming me.  I have never been anywhere before that gave me this feeling.  I have been and hopefully will always be, home at last.  70 acres of blissful freedom, I can well and truly be a loner once again.  There are people occasionally coming and going, the fields are worked, the beautiful barns are being restored and I am mending body, heart, and soul.  I heat with mostly firewood in a Buck stove.  There are 2 fireplaces, I would imagine there were once a fireplace upstairs as well.  Only one is operational, but one is enough for me.  I set the furnace to 50 and it only just recently started kicking in.  I lower the furnace to 45 during the night, 50-55 during the day and so far that has been enough.   We'll be dropping back into single digits tonight so the electric heater in the living room is also on.  I haven't burnt wood much recently, the last cord of wood was fresh cut, and creosote can be a big problem so I've backed off burning very much wood.  I have a small wood pile that is burnable but it is also frozen together so much so that I was unable to get enough loose.  I love the cold, and this winter has been a doozy so far!
3rd is my grandson's 3rd birthday was just a few weeks past on Jan. 4th.  Happy Birthday again Matthew Eric. 
And 4th a new year has begun.  I didn't mean to miss posting Happy New Years to everyone in the whole wide world out there, you may not see it written but I wish it all the same.  Blessings to us all, and may this be the best year yet in all of our lives.  God Bless and Godspeed.

Letting friends go ...

I had a friend recently tell me when in a moment of opening myself up and letting some of me out told me in so many words that I'd never get grammar down because I came from a bunch of hillbillies.  I was stunned that a friend of 40 years, would say such a thing to me.  I struggle with grammar, anyone reading my work can directly point out.  This friend however claims to have the "grammar gene" just comes to her naturally.  I asked her once to review a college paper I had written and she found a couple of things, left blaring mistakes unmarked and insulted me yet again.  Maybe I have had enough of the negativity, dreary, depressing air that lives around her.  My optimism and my hopes are still mine, i never let her get to them with her attitudes.  Hope springs eternal in my heart, and sharing hope is a blessing.  To me anyway--I'm sure it annoyed the hell out of her.After years and years of this though it finally occurred to me to let her go.  I went an entire peaceful year without hearing from her because somewhere down the line I hurt her feelings and unbeknownst to me, she evidently never forgave me for missing a few of her emails to me.  It took me over 10 years to finally get it, so I wanted to see how long she would let it go.  Over a year.  Well over a year I only was told she was sorry that my father died on facebook.  I had told her Happy Birthday twice and she responded in kind, on facebook.  So OK, I just might be getting it that what she is doing is punishing me, for some slight I had to be prompted to remember once the final showdown came.  I'm still not sure what happened.  It began with her saying to me in an email that she didn't want to say anything, but ... did I realize how quickly I judged her.  I believe she was referring to , oh hell, I don't have a clue WHAT she was referring to.  But it started the beginning of the end for our friendship.  I came back with, while we're on the subject lets really clear the air and snowballed to her listing her grievances, then saying they didn't really matter, to which I ponder, then why bring them up then? My reaction to her reaction was one of pure surprise.  I  now know the reasons for her change in treating me and our friendship, 40 years ain't hay.  I'm more stunned than anything and don't like my estimation of her.  Once the shock wore off of her saying I'll do us both a favor and remove myself from your life, I felt relieved, blessedly relieved.  That black cloud that was a constant was gone.  Sometimes hanging onto a friend for friendships sake is wrong, it's just wrong and it's taken a big chunk out of my life from when the misunderstanding to the point and place it moved us to now.  I didn't understand how she could go a year without any meaningful contact.  She decided that when I missed reading and responding to her emails that she would never again initiate a conversation with me.  Can you believe it?  That year I was punished and would still be getting punished if events hadn't played out just so.  So now I am completely free.  She has no friends to speak off other than facebook acquaintances.  She has pretty much turned me against facebook so I feel sorry for her on so many different levels.  It's amazing the things that I can look back on, now knowing the why's to her strange behavior at times.  I am a loyal person, but I don't want anyone walking all over me, I reached my saturation point.   Now I'm learning to let her go, go to her own devices.  When a friendship starts becoming painful, it's time to let go.  I wish you well old friend, I truly do, I hope you find whatever you're looking for, God being the number one prayer for you.  Fare thee well.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Beginning 2013

...and Happy New Year's!